Kagome!
by Nyphetamine
Summary: The retelling of one of our favorite stories, except the characters aren't who you think they are. Kagome is a brash fighter who cannot overcome her feelings for her deceased lover, while InuYasha is a whiny teenager. And Sango has a wandering hand?
1. Personality Disorder

**Kagome  
**_**A small note: Intentionally written at a fast pace. It is also written badly intentionally.**_

Birds seemed to be chirping happily on the worst day of Kagome Higurashi's life.

She placed her hands on the lip of the dirty old well and hurled her body over the ledge, grumbling to herself. She looked back down the well at the bones that had met her after falling into a bright light and spat at them. The whole situation had ruined her day, and she was, er, less than pleased.

"Stupid piece of crap well. Of course I should have known that out of all of the ancient wells in Japan, our shrine would hold the one that transports teenage girls into strange places." She took a moment to look at her surroundings, failing to appreciate the beauty nature had set aside for her eyes. In Kagome's mind, there were annoying trees blocking her view of Tokyo civilization.

She stood up and slapped her skirt a few times to get rid of the dirt and started to walk, growling whenever animals would get close to her. She stopped when she was overwhelmed by a feeling of destiny, and turned to actually look at a tree.

The sight was strange, and she almost walked away from the confusion it caused her. A man in red was attached to the big tree by arrows. Kagome naturally walked towards the man and glared at him.

Why was he there? It bothered her to have so many unanswered questions.

But what bothered her most was that she was being stupid by approaching a man with dog ears on his head. Obviously, he was either a dangerous demon (if they exist) or a major otaku, waiting for some action with an innocent high school girl. It was a trap, either way, and she was quite stupid for allowing herself to get close to him.

"What the hell are you doing on this tree?" When she got no response, she angrily poked the man in the forehead. "WHY ARE YOU ON THIS TREE?"

No response.

She growled and pulled the arrow in his chest out, tossing it to the ground. She just had a gut feeling that would work.

Automatically, his eyes fluttered open, looking into her glittering eyes. He blinked innocently and looked around him.

"I'm back." The statement was simple, but filled with emotions you normally wouldn't find in a man.

"Why were you on that tree?" Kagome asked again, tapping her foot on the ground.

"I uh… My…" The man blushed. "I was pinned here by my ex girlfriend. You look a lot like her! But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. I made her mad, but I don't remember how, but oh my gosh it was so sad! I can't fight, so of course she decided to stalk me with her bow and arrow… She always was beautiful with her archery skills, and-"

"SHUT UP!" Kagome put her hand over his mouth and rolled her eyes. "You're just like a girl, I swear! Going on and on about your problems! Well I have news for you! I don't care!" She pulled back from him and turned away, not really caring anymore. "I knew it was an otaku."

"I'm sorry, but you can't just leave me here!" He stomped his foot to make his point and ran over to her. His voice was whiny, which bothered Kagome's head. "I don't know what year it is, and for all I know, she could still be here, looking for me!"

Kagome stopped walking and looked at him.

"She was so stupid for being with a man like you." She turned away and began walking again.

"Noo, don't go!" He continued to follow her. "Want to know my name?"

"No."

"It's InuYasha. With a 'y'!"

"Great."

"I always thought it was a tough name, which really helps my manliness. I am manly, huh?"

"Whatever."

"I could totally show you my muscles! Oh gosh, you would love them!"

"Huh."

InuYasha pushed in front of Kagome and lifted his sleeve, revealing scrawny arms that lacked muscle.

"Oh… It was better than that _before _I was pinned to that tree." He blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"Look, InuWasha! I am not-"

"It's I-nu-YA-sha, not I-nu-WA-sha! Get it right! I-nu-YA-sha!"

"Right, InuWasha, I am not interested in your life story, now leave me alone!"

"But I think you're lost!"

"I am not. I have a great sense of direction." In reality, Kagome's directional skills were horrible, and she had that dreadful male habit of never asking for directions.

She continued to walk. The two were silent for about two minutes.

"So I think you're lost!"

"AGH, I HATE YOU!"  
_____________________________________________________________________________________

**Somewhere else, on another dirt path, in this strange land…**

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Mmmm, now?"

"No."

Silence.

"N-"

"NO! Lord Sesshoumaru, I expect you to be more civilized than this. If you cannot handle yourself, I will no longer take you with me when I go to find whatever it is I am looking for."

Sesshoumaru, a tall and beautiful man with flowing silver hair, cowered away from the small girl with black hair in shame.

"But Ren! I love spending quality time with you!"

"Sesshoumaru, what did I tell you about acting like a kid?"

"I'm sorry!" He sniffled and stood up straight, trying to look like the regal leader he was.

"It sometimes feels as if I am the adult here and you are the child." The small girl looked up at her companion with a blank stare and then looked back in front of her. "We need to find your father's sword. Please work with me here."

"Yes ma'am."

The two continued to walk. They had no idea that they were getting closer to the sword.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________

**With Kagome and InuYasha in a village…  
**"Can I ask a question?"

"Yes, Kagome?"

"How the HELL did that small little… animal human looking thing get here?!" Kagome pointed at the thing in question, glaring.

"I am a fox demon." The thing glared back at Kagome. "And for some reason, I have an urge to go put on a baboon disguise."

"Yeah, well I have an urge to go break something right now. Something pink and round, but you don't see me doing that!" Kagome slammed her hands on the ground of the cabin they were in and stood up.

"Where did that come from?" InuYasha looked at her quizzically.

"I'm not sure, but just… Leave me alone!" Kagome left the cabin.

"Oh gosh, I haven't seen a girl act like that since… Well… Actually I've only seen myself act like that when I get PMSS."

"What is PMSS?"

InuYasha looked at the fox demon with confusion.

"You're a demon. You haven't heard of it?" The demon shook his head to confirm that he had never heard of it. "It means Pre Mating Season syndrome! I get it ALL the time! And gosh, it drives other people crazy, because I get all emotional."

"Oh. If I were an inferior half demon like you, maybe I would understand."

InuYasha frowned. "What a jerk!" He stood up and stormed out of the cabin, leaving the small demon to himself.

**-XOXO-**  
Kagome stared out at the hot spring in front of her and sighed. She was having an emotional moment, one that she would never show in front of anyone else.

_I miss you… Hojo. My old lover… Sometimes I wish an old witch would come and make your body out of clay so that I could touch you. _Kagome sighed again, and leaned her head against the tree she sat in front of and closed her eyes. If she could just open them to see Hojo…

"Kagome?"

She opened her eyes, surprised at the predictable timing.

"Hojo?" She stood up quickly and ran at the man in front of her, hugging him tightly. "Hojo, I love you!"

"Yes Kagome, I know."

"How are you alive?"

"Some old witch lady with a taste for young boys made my body out of clay and brought me back to life!"

Kagome was speechless. She couldn't decide if she should be happy about that or not. After a few minutes of pondering it, she shrugged her shoulders. "Okay."

"Oh I've missed you." He snuggled his face into her shoulder and slowly brought a knife closer to her back. "You smell amazing. Like clay."

"I think that's just the smell of your nostrils."

"Oh. Makes sense."

"…I have a strange feeling that an annoying, girly demon is quickly approaching us."

"Oh?" The knife pricked Kagome in the back, making her flinch, when InuYasha threw his body at Hojo, knocking the knife away.

"OW! I can't believe I did that! It hurts…" He pouted and got up, glaring at Hojo. "How dare you try to hurt Kagome! She is an amazing woman who just deserves… gentle and caring attention." InuYasha sniffled because he was actually talking about his own needs.

"Why did you try to kill me, Hojo?" Kagome stared at him in disbelief.

"Because I'm evil." He stared at her blankly. "Are you really that stupid?"

"But I thought you loved me…"

"Silly girl. I am not real. I am dead. I am a walking clay pot." He stepped towards her only to be thrown down by a very angry InuYasha.

"You're such a horrible man!" InuYasha slapped Hojo in the face and stared at him angrily. "How dare you toy with a young girl's heart? You're horrible and you deserve to be hurt! Badly!" He slapped Hojo again and turned away, running behind Kagome, when Hojo lifted his hand to retaliate.

"You really are annoying." Hojo rubbed his cheek. "Sorry, but there's really nothing either of you can do. You're a worthless man, and Kagome is weak." Hojo stepped towards them and smirked as InuYasha stepped back. Kagome, however, glared at Hojo.

"Did you just call me weak?" She furrowed her eyebrows, conflicted by the fact that she loved him anyway. Why was she still in love with this man?

"Yes. Look, either I kill you or I take you to hell with me. I would love to spend eternity in hell with you." He grabbed her hand and embraced her, kissing her neck softly. "Come with me."

Kagome felt powerless. She nodded her head in agreement, staring blankly over his shoulder. Wind surrounded them, and she could feel her body start to leave the Earth. She could distantly hear InuYasha calling for her, but she could not see him.

InuYasha felt desperate, but he could not find a solution. His throat had grown sore from yelling her name so much. He was now aware that no matter what he did, he would just have to wait for this episode of _Kagome _to end so that he could be with her, safe and sound once again.

Suddenly, a boomerang came out of nowhere. This seemed to strengthen the idea that the episode would soon end, which caused Inuyasha to grow excited once more.

"Who's there?"

"I am Sango. I sensed that a fair prince was in danger, and rushed to help him." The woman named Sango stepped out from some bushes and smiled at InuYasha. He noted that her eyes were a beautiful brown color. However, unlike most men, he paid no attention to the fact that her outfit fit her body tightly. "Wow, you really are handsome." Sango managed to get to InuYasha quickly, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly in her own. "I would love to bear your children!"

InuYasha blinked twice. "Uhh… No."

"What? You're rejecting me?!"

InuYasha looked around and then looked back at her. "Why is there a strange pressure on my butt? Wait! Ohh… You're…" InuYasha stepped away from her and shook his head. "No! Bad timing! I need help to save Kagome! She is currently being taken to hell!"

Sango grimaced at his lack of interest and reluctantly stepped up to the wind.

"KAGOME! KAGOME!"

"I already tried that", said InuYasha, anxious.

"Maybe, but you're different from me. KAGOME!"

The wind suddenly stopped, causing Kagome to lift her head sharply. She quickly scrambled away from Hojo.

"Oh my gosh! I almost went to hell!"

"Wait, why did she respond to you?" InuYasha huffed in anger, crossing his arms over his chest.

"That's not important. We have to get rid of this… thing!" Sango threw her boomerang (which she had gotten back sometime between these events), knocking Hojo into his own pit. Hojo screamed in irritation as his body fell into the pit. His fingers reached upwards, trying to keep himself out of it to get Kagome once more, but ended up falling in completely.

Kagome looked at Sango.

"Well, woman I have yet to meet, I hardly know you but I think you and I should go bathe together now." Sango nodded in agreement and walked off with Kagome, leaving InuYasha all on his own.

"Wait, what?" asked InuYasha to himself.

**NEXT TIME: **_**The finale: Sesshoumaru and InuYasha meet. Oh what battle do we have in store? A fun one, seeing as both brothers are… emotionally challenged in this story. **_

_This is going to be a two part story. The intention is to make fun of the serious (a parody!) and to make fun of the fast pace that many stories have. I am also poking fun at certain things from certain episodes. I hope the chapter was humorous. It is intentionally written, uhm, badly. It's to add to the humor. Please enjoy! And Review?!_


	2. Epic Battle

**Kagome**

_Due to the cancellation of our show, this will be the series finale of Kagome. We hope that you have enjoyed our show as much as we have. _

InuYasha turned to look at the door to the cabin when he heard two pairs of footsteps. His ears pricked up to hear the end of their conversation. The woman named Sango was talking about how firm his butt was.

He stopped listening automatically.

"Welcome back, Kagome. How was your bath with Sango?"

Kagome stopped giggling at Sango's comments to glare at InuYasha.

"I sense that you're bitter, InuYasha. My bath was fantastic. Bet you wish you were there." She walked to the other end of the room and leaned against the wall, crossing her arms across her chest. She stared straight ahead.

"So Kagome", started Sango. "What will we do tomorrow?"

No answer.

"Kagome?"

InuYasha stood up and walked to Kagome. "Oh."

"What?"

"She's asleep." He giggled and then went back to where he had been sitting and laid down, curling up into a ball. "I'm going to sleep, too."

Sango got on the ground and crawled over to InuYasha, curing up with him. "Let me accompany you, my sweet."

"Uh… No." InuYasha moved away, marking his official sleeping territory beside Kagome.

"OH MY GOSH!" Both Sango and InuYasha snapped their heads up to look at Kagome. "It's a new moon… I forgot all about that!"

"What?" they asked in unison.

"No, I can't stay here." She ran outside and disappeared into the nearby forest.

"I'll go find her. I can't let her go searching for Hojo." InuYasha got up to walk out.

"Jealous much?" asked Sango, smirking.

"No! I am not", replied InuYasha. "I just don't feel comfortable letting you go after her. Besides… there's a fox demon kid sleeping in here." He nodded towards the corner where the demon slept.

"I never even noticed", said Sango. "I guess I'll sleep. You go."

InuYasha bounded into the forest to find Kagome.

InuYasha stopped running when he heard something in the bushes. He slowly stepped back, scared. But then his girly emotions took over and he lost all logic. He went towards the sound, and moved the bush to find Kagome, staring up at him.

"You're an idiot. I left on purpose! Why'd you have to follow me?"

"I was worried! Why do you always have to complain about what I do? After what happened with Hojo, I just have to make sure you're not running off to see him!" InuYasha stepped back, allowing her to move through the bushes to his side. "Gosh you're so mean. Sometimes I wish I could put some necklace on you to control you."

Kagome growled. "Whatever."

"So why did you leave?" He looked at her questionably. "You can tell me anything."

"If you don't leave right now, I'm afraid you'll find out from experience. You need to leave." Kagome looked up at the sky, noticing that the moon was becoming more evident as all signs of day began to disappear.

"You need to come back. Things come out at night." He shivered as he thought about people like Sango coming around to molest people in the forest at night.

"InuYasha, I'm the only thing out here that'll be frightening tonight." Kagome closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. "You need to leave. Right now."

"No! I won't leave you!" InuYasha threw himself at Kagome, hugging her tightly. "I refuse to leave you! I will keep you from becoming bad with my kiss!"

"What?"

"Uhh, I mean… My… skills. My super awesome skills!" InuYasha let go of her and looked into her eyes. When her eyes met his, he could see something snap behind her solid brown eyes. They turned brighter.

"InuYasha…"

"Kagome…"

"InuYasha…"

"Kagome…"

She leaned in and planted a big kiss on his lips, grasping his head in her hands so that her fingers could comb through his long, silver hair. He responded to the kiss gently, unsure of what to feel. He knew he was interested, but he thought it was strange how she suddenly became so… loving.

However, InuYasha was overcome with feelings of being special. He made the most of it, and was happy to finally get some romantic development. Kagome sure wasn't wasting time.

"I hate to break this love fest up…" spoke a child's voice. "But I fear I must. We require something of importance from InuYasha."

InuYasha and Kagome both turned to see Ren and Sesshoumaru. Sesshoumaru was twiddling his fingers, giggling as he got them twisted up. Ren, however, was staring at the two with deadly intent.

"InuYasha, where is your father's sword?"

"If I knew, I would have it with me." InuYasha tilted his head at the two.

Ren grabbed Sesshoumaru's hand, catching him off guard. She gripped it tightly, causing his demon instincts to react. His hand started to glow with a dangerous poison. She held it towards the two unsuspecting targets in calm anger.

"If you do not tell me, I will have to use force."

"Ren… I'm scared!" Sesshoumaru stomped his feet, yanking his arm to no avail.

"I really don't know where it is, but oh my gosh, don't hurt me!" InuYasha ran behind Kagome, who was staring blankly at Sesshoumaru.

"You sexy beast", she growled seductively, walking away from InuYasha in a slinky manner. "I like." She pushed Ren away, grabbing Sesshoumaru by the neck and pulling him in to kiss him. She leaned him backwards and licked his lips, smiling as he stared at her in horror.

"REN! RAPE! It's RAPE!" Sesshoumau's voice echoed throughout the forest, but no one came to his rescue. Ren took the distraction as a moment to advance on InuYasha, who was definitely in shock to find that Kagome's sudden urge to kiss him was simply the effect of the full moon.

"I will get that sword from you." She grabbed InuYasha's wrist and tossed him to the ground.

"Ow! That hurt!" InuYasha quickly stood up, brushing himself off. "Where are a bow and some arrows when you need them?" He ran towards her, pushing her down. She growled at him and swept him off of his feet with a sweep kick.

"RAPE!"

"Give me that sword!"

"FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE!"

In a matter of seconds, a village leader named Kaede was in the clearing, arrow cocked and ready. "Where's the fire?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at her.

"So you respond to fire but not rape? What's with you people! I'm just a little girl!" Sesshoumaru cowered away from Kagome, who was now distracted by Kaede.

"Old lady. That's hot." Kagome licked her lips and walked towards Kaede. Kaede was ready for the insanity that was Kagome, and quickly put a muzzle on Kagome, covering her lips.

"InuWasha, quickly say a word to subdue her Full Moon kissing problem!"

"HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW MY NAME?" He mumbled to himself, "And it's InuYasha."

"Just say a word!"

"KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE!"

"…" Kaede blinked at the stupid phrase, but decided it was acceptable.

Kagome fell to the ground and started cursing. She pulled herself up slowly and glared at InuYasha.

"Relax, Kagome. It'll only appear on full moons, so that InuYasha and all of us will be… protected from your lips." Kaede smiled and decided her job was done. She walked away and went back to the village.

"So… Where's that sword?" asked Sesshoumaru.

"I don't know!"

Kagome looked around, only stopping at the sight of white material. "Mmmph!"

"Really?" InuYasha moved to where she was, and looked up. "Oh, I see it."

"How did you manage to find value in her statement?" asked Ren, looking to where InuYasha and Kagome were looking.

"It's a baboon!" InuYasha smiled. "I like those."

The baboon came down from the sky and removed the cloak, revealing a man with black locks trailing down his back.

"Why are you here?" questioned InuYasha.

"I have come to tell you one truth."

"What is it?"

"InuYasha… Sesshoumaru…" The man swallowed, and then smiled. "I am your father."

"DUN DUN DUN!" added Sesshoumaru, laughing at the turn of events.

"I wanted to tell you that the sword… yeah, it's in your nostril. Just kind of dig for it, I'm sure you'll find the treasure soon enough."

InuYasha stuck his index finger up his nose and started digging. "I don't feel anything special."

"Hahaha got you! It's actually in Kagome's eye. Because Kagome is supposed to be InuYasha, it was a mistake, really. I meant to put it in your eye just to make things uncomfortable. Because if you can imagine having a sword in your eye, well… Yeah, it would be weird. So, Kagome… Just kind of… Pull it out."

Kagome poked her eye until the sword magically appeared in her hands. "mmph."

"Oh yay, good job! Bye!" The thing disappeared.

"That whole scenario lacked tact and flow. I feel like the writer of this script really needs to work on that", said InuYasha, looking at a mysteriously placed camera.

"Now hand over the sword", said Ren in a low voice. "It should belong to me." Ren started to move towards Kagome, who simply stared at her in response. Ren stopped advancing when she felt a hand on her butt. "What?" She turned around quickly, glaring slightly at the person behind her.

"Sango!" yelled InuYasha, relieved. He shivered slightly at the child molestation he had just witnessed, but overall, he felt relieved. "You're here to save the day!"

"Not really. I just wanted a piece of this… lovely..." she grinned more, "child." Ren slapped Sango, and turned away from the group.

"I am done dealing with this. I will be back. In another TV show, one way or another." Ren snapped her fingers lightly, beckoning Sesshoumaru. Sesshoumaru followed, turning his head back once to see Kagome. He would forever be scared by her attempt to do weird things to him. But in the mean time, he was just glad Ren didn't attempt to kill the Sango girl. He was afraid of violence. It made him nervous.

"Okay. So which characters have we not met yet?" questioned Sango, walking over to Kagome and InuYasha.

"Kikyou, Miroku, Kagura, Kanna, Kouga, The Higurashi family, Aya…"

"Stop talking."

InuYasha and Sango looked at Kagome, who was now free of the muzzle due to the appearance of sunlight.

"I refuse to meet any of those people. I'm done with this." Kagome turned away from them and started to walk away. InuYasha ran after her, grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face him.

"We haven't even hooked up yet!"

"And we never will. Not in this version of the show, not even in a show called _Inuyasha_! They make it look like we'll hook up, and then they cancel us, making you have to read the manga instead! So you just need to get over your girly emotions. GO HOME INUYASHA!"

"I am home. You're the one that's supposed to be pushed down the well."

"Oh. That wasn't really thought out very well." Kagome looked over InuYasha's shoulder. "Well, I guess this is all we have time for."

"I guess so. Maybe we'll get saved, and our show will survive."

"Yeah, and maybe Miroku is gay, too!" was Kagome's sarcastic response.

_So this is the end! We will remake this show into a new one titled __**InuYasha**__. We hope that you will support us in that show. The characters will be different, fitting into the stereotype, because apparently girly guys are unacceptable. We hope our next show can make it past the pilot episodes!_

**Thank you for reading! The story is finished! It was fun to write, because not one bit of it was serious! Usually I have some serious stuff, too. But with this story, it was acceptable to just make things go by quickly. I enjoyed it, and I hope everyone else did, too! Please review?!**


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